It's your write

Or had your lips touch mine
It’s like I’ve known you forever
My stomach flutters filled with butterflies

I think this time I’d like a try.

Just a nibble.  Not even a bite.

Maybe I want your green in my life.

It was a week before my birthday. When you told me you didn’t love me anymore. At all. Not even a single bit.

Nothing.

How could you put me through so much pain. Pull my heart out right out of my chest and then just crush it right in front of me? Why couldn’t you wait? Why couldn’t you try? Why did you convince me to fall in the first place. You knew I was insecure. I was beaten. I was drained. And yet I gave it to you. My all, my everything. And then you tell me a week before my birthday, after a relationship of 1 year and 3 months, after an abortion that I still repeatedly have nightmares about, after something so undeniably perfect, that you don’t feel a single thing when you talk to me.

Why can’t I just be strong. I’ve fallen again. God help me.

I called you today, and you were so non-chalant. Like I was never anything to you.

I can hear it. I can hear every tick and rip in my chest right now. I don’t want this kind of love anymore.

There’s something about not having enough money for every single diamond on the market, that makes our relationship so so so luxurious.

If that even makes sense to anybody else but me.

Just admit it already.

Stop trying to buy yourself more time, it’s inevitable.

I liked it better when you bought me cookies instead of him. When you bought them for me, you let me open and eat them myself. When he buys them for me, he tells me they’re for me, opens the bag and then consumes about 90% of it. You always put me first even with the little things like that.

Honestly, I can’t wait to be with you. I really can’t.

I’m sorry if I’m wasting your time. I just haven’t seen you in a long time, and I miss seeing you everyday.

Grandpa told me that he’d fuck me if I wanted him to….

…I’m thinking about letting him just one more time.

What do you think?

Some exceptionally small piece of me still cares about you

it’s funny and painful, like a splinter or one of those little shards of glass

the next day a shard was still embedded in the webbing of my hand.

you’re not welcome anymore

I miss you.

And I know somewhere in that fucked up head of yours, you miss me too.

A night filled with smiles, time flying by and I can hardly wait.

i walked home a different way today,

(the long way, the wrong way)

and noticed a royal farms across the street.

cars roared by as i stopped walking, dug into my pockets, came up empty

no money for a red bull? got to get a job.

another look at the royal farms. something flickers in the back of my mind…

how is that possible?

i’ve never been here before. this is the long way, the wrong way.

and yet,

it hits me like a ton of bricks,

because i have been here before.

the cars keep roaring by, in between me and this crumbling convenience store in the ghetto, and i can’t stop staring because it is both strange and familiar, just like you.

saturday night. 3 am, so technically sunday morning.

i walked upstairs from the smoky sickly sweet closeness of will’s basement

tom - dark hair, dark eyes, smelling like the dark - followed,

and we made it out onto the deck and down the alley until we realized that 5 other people followed, too.

so this motley crew of all boys and a girl

(wearing the remains of costumes: robot, scuba diver, nerd, lumberjack)

tumbled out from behind the darkened house and started walking.

to the corner, across the street, two blocks down, one over;

in the center of the road, yelling, laughing, piggybacking,

that kind of midnight walking when your feet don’t seem to touch the ground.

the royal farms sign glowed brightly

and inside, the fluorescent lights made me stutter.

somehow no one had an ID,

so we waited outside while tom got an older woman to buy him a few packs.

the walk back was similar to the walk there:

cold rain drizzled on warm bodies, too drunk for sidewalks.

before i knew it

we were back in the basement but the air was different.

the smoke and the vodka were no longer cloying -

the world had gone hazy.

calvin rolled around saying “you’re hot! you’re hot!”

you sat to my left, looking and listening and texting.

henry sat on the bed knocking knees with me on the chair

we shared a lollipop

a cigarette

a look

a kiss

a lot more, but i don’t think i should say.

i smoked and crunched the lollipop and couldn’t stop laughing.

and through all that hazy crazy lazy maze

i knew you were there, i could feel it.

i felt it more than the smoke in my lungs or the candy in my mouth or henry’s lips or his hands or his eyes

the only eyes i felt were yours.

but when i looked up you were gone (disappeared?)

you’ve already lost my mind.

this all came rushing back as i stood there on 18th street, in the daylight that can make you forget or make you remember. and the cars roared by in between me and you, both strange and familiar.